The Bullpen Banter: Icee Catapults, Brawls, and a Perfect Game
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This week, we cover an eventful road trip filled with brawls, a perfect game, and some poop warfare. I wish the last part was a joke. Overall, this Banter has some of the highest of highs and some of the lowest of lows.
4/26/17
Hi Everyone!
We just finished a 10:05am game in Lexington, KY, and we have a 7 hr drive home, so I have plenty of time to write this one!
Since I last emailed, it has been very eventful. After 4 hours on the bus, we arrived in Greensboro to play the Grasshoppers. When Taylor and I first arrived to our room, it was evident the maid or previous occupant had enjoyed 4/20. The room air was a mixture of marijuana, heavy doses of Febreeze, and a slight hint of mold. Classic Days Inn. Great food options nearby though, so we were not complaining!
Sadly, I am not sure this was my worst hotel experience. There will be more to come on this front with future Bullpen Banters. Basically, the home team usually has a deal with a hotel, and given that ownership does not usually vet the hotel, it can often be quite grimy.
Greensboro has an awesome stadium. It was a great place to play, and we played against one of my college roommates, so that was great! The bullpen, however was not great. There was a hill with kids directly above us. Some little girl plunked me twice with an icee catapult, and while warming up, Pope had a group of kids bombard him with skittles. Skittles were funny. Icee was not. 100% about perspective. It is all fun and games until it happens to you. I felt like my mom when I stood up on the bench and wagged my finger at this defiant little 8-year old girl. She respected me absolutely 0!!
Dead serious, this little girl used her spoon as a catapult and slung icee at me. I remember trying to quietly and politely chastise her, but she just laughed in my face.
Game 3 ended in the 6th because of rain. We took a 1–0 lead in the fifth, so we drew an amazing Rain Turtle (see previous email for definition). By the time the rain was bad enough to cancel, we were down 3–1, so we were trying to erase it. Unfortunately, the Rain Turtle had already spoken. It proceeded to rain for 24 hours, and Game 4 was cancelled too. This is where the road trip starts getting interesting!
On Sunday, we started our 6.5 hr bus ride to Lexington early because of the cancelled game. Long bus rides stink (both figuratively and literally). 30 guys all ate Bojangles for breakfast then piled into the bus for 6.5 hrs with minimal air flow. I want to hunt down the man who designed this bus and ask why he didn’t put many overhead vents. 5–6 hours into the ride, one of the Dominicans (who shall remain unnamed) was mad about the volume of the movie being played. Rather than ask to turn it down, he pulled out a portable speaker and began blasting Latin music. The stinky stinky bus with no airflow and 35 people shoulder to shoulder now has a movie and Latin music playing as loud as possible. I would’ve chosen Guantanamo Bay over this situation. It was certainly cruel & unusual punishment.
I do not think I have ever been in a more hostile situation. One of the most difficult dynamics to manage on a minor league baseball team is the cultural barriers. In my experience, many of the problems stem from a lack of understanding on both sides. Believe it or not, but males in their mid-twenties are not known for their robust communication skills. Beyond just that, consider that the room is filled with guys from different states, countries, economic backgrounds, and political beliefs. Most teammates literally and figuratively speak different languages.
There is one final layer of complexity. These guys are competing for each other’s job.
Yea… it gets very tense and tempers flare OFTEN.
With tensions flaring between the team (both from the bus and other things I shall not mention), we arrived in Lexington, KY. The only food within a few miles was a McDonalds, a strip club buffet, and a gas station. Needless to say, I had McDonalds every single meal. I have had so many McChickens that I am growing feathers. In addition, when I walked to McDonalds I saw an RV parked at the strip club. I really hope that that guy hasn’t just been living in the parking lot and frequenting the Spearmint Rhino Gentleman’s Club. To each their own I suppose.
On top of this, when we show up to the field, the Lexington road clubhouse manager had quit! They hired a new guy that day, and he was overwhelmed. All of our clothes were soaked, and we had minimal food. When we went out to stretch and throw at 4pm, the Royals team yelled at us to get off the field while they hit. This did not sit well with our coaches. It is common courtesy that you let visiting pitchers throw during your batting practice for 15 minutes so their arms can recover by game time. They would not let us, and they would yell anytime guys touched the field. This is very important foreshadowing!!!!!!
In Game 2, my roommate, Domenic Mazza (the kid who gave up a homerun to Tebow in his first at-bat and made national news for it) was absolutely DEALING! Lexington got one hit in game 1, and in game 2, they had 0 hits or walks through 6 innings. Mazza was perfect. Lexington was frustrated. At that moment, our second baseman, Eduardo Gomez, hit an absolute bomb over the left field fence. He flipped his bat and very slowly proceeded to first. This did not sit well with Lexington…
As Gomez rounded third, the pitcher walked over and started screaming at him in Spanish. The catcher met Gomez before home and pushed him. It was on… Benches cleared. Bullpens ran in. Punches were thrown. None landed on my face thankfully, but it got intense. Because I know every potty word in Spanish, I know that they were reallllllly unhappy with Gomez. Maybe Gomez was in the wrong, but he is a teammate. While we are on the verge of a Civil War with Latins and Americans in the locker room, we are still teammates, so it was good to see everyone had his back. It will cost us a $75 fine per person though. That is four full days of road meal money. If you don’t leave the bench to support a teammate though, it is a $50 fine from the Giants. Either way you have to pay. That’s a bummer.
To be fair, we were all angry at Gomez for starting this in the middle of a perfect game bid, but we had to run out there and back him up.
Back to Mazza though. After the brawl, he continued to deal, and he threw the first perfect game in South Atlantic League history. Very few people ever get to see one in person. I will always remember that night. Especially because he was near his pitch count, so if he threw too many they were going to pull him and put me in. I was a nervous wreck. Nobody wants to come in and blow a perfect game. So happy for him that he finished that. Truly remarkable.
I left Mazza’s name the same because this one is so easy to look up. Plus, if you throw a perfect game, then you deserve as much publicity as possible.
Lexington, however, was not at all happy. 1 hit in 18 innings. In game 3, we smoked them 10–3 on education day! It felt ironic that education day consisted of thousand kids watching 60 guys with a graduation rate of <10% play a kid’s game, but oh well.
While they didn’t throw at any of our guys to retaliate (yet. I am sure they will next series and we will fight), they did do something much worse. Something very disrespectful. Something that may be the grossest move in history. When we started the game, our dugout bathroom toilet was completely clogged. Like really bad. And it wasn’t with only toilet paper. Throwing at someone is one thing, but poop warfare? That is barbaric. What other boundaries will be crossed if we allow this? Not to mention, the only ventilation for that bathroom was a PVC pipe with a two inch diameter. The dugout was insufferable, and I want to know who did it. Not just because we are mad, but because we think that person needs to add more fiber to their diet. Too far? Don’t get mad at me. Get mad at them!!
When I tell you this was one of the most gross things I have ever come across, I am not even joking. I was legitimately concerned for the health of the person who did that. To this day, if I ever find out who it was, I will co-sponsor a visit to a gastroenterologist.
Anyways, I feel like I forgot a few things, but this may be it. Thanks for reading!
Logged Bus Hours: 51
PB&Js: 28
Greenjackets Record: 9–11
Total Rain Turtle Opportunities: 2
Total Rain Outs: 1
Rain Turtle Success Rate: 50%
Nickname Updates:
Pat Ruotolo is now Bootleg instead of Patty Penguin
Dj Myers= Dale
