The Bullpen Banter: Raindrops and Plugphones

In this installment, I cover an anti-climactic use of our first off-day, a heated bullpen debate on counting rain drops, and the next big invention: plugphones.

5/6/18

Hi everyone!

I know there has been a delay from my last email. Many have probably been worried that the poop warfare and Lexington bus ride killed me. Not quite! It was a close call, but when I got back to Augusta, Melissa visited, and we had an off-day looming!

Having Melissa visit was great as always! I owe her a shoutout. I threw the 2.2 innings the second night, so I knew I was not throwing the next night. She still came to the game. Anyone who can sit through a hot, humid, Augusta Greenjackets game, by themselves, with no hope of someone they know coming in, must really love me! I am contractually obligated to sit at that game, and I do not necessarily want to. Especially, when we run out of sunflower seeds. So shoutout to her! She also made some great desserts which has continued to fatten me up.

On the last day of our home stand, we had a rain delay in the middle of the game. Welcome back to the Southeast! We cannot escape the rain. Rain in Greensboro, rain in Lexington, rain at home, rain in Kannapolis now. It is endless. Rain is great when it cancels the game, but it keeps lightly raining while we play. To make matters worse, we have zero cover in the bullpens. We have no waterproof gear either. Just a thick water-absorbing Giants hoodie. All of this stuff from our rainy game last night has been sitting in a bag under the bus all night, so that should be a real treat today.

This bullpen legitimately had no roof, and it was separated from the dugout, so when it rained, we just sat there and let our hoodies absorb the water. At one point, we set up cups, and we monitored how fast they filled. We were trying to gauge if it varied at all from place to place. When Fortune magazine does their next academic institution rankings, it will be MIT, Carnegie Mellon, and the Bullpen U. Just a paradigm of scientific rigor…

Just kidding. Ultimately, we got distracted, and we never actually measured the results, but the thought was there.

This rain delay was painful. We were on the cusp of our first off-day in 55 days!!! Even though we lost, guys were ecstatic when the game was over. No baseball for 36 hours! I consider this email a safe zone, so if we are being honest, I wasn’t excited about the no baseball thing. I was excited for just the mental break. Just excited to not see the same guys, have to do the same stretch, have to test the hydration in my urine, etc. For one day, I wanted to just do whatever I wanted with no agenda. So I did absolutely nothing. Once I paid our apartment bills, I sat in a dark room and played video games, and I ate a lot of cookies (shoutout to Melissa).

People are often surprised to hear how exhausting minor league baseball can be, but it is not crazy to go many weeks at a given time without a true day off. In this case, we had a few days where we did not have a game, but for all of those, they were spent traveling ~8 hours on the bus. This was the first time we went more than 18 hours without seeing the whole team in 55 days. More than anything, all of that time together can be mentally very taxing, so it is easy to see why fights and tense situations emerge in the locker room.

Also, I often get questions on the urine part. Our strength coaches required we test our hydration every day, so that required peeing in a cup, using a pipette to extract some, then placing it in a machine to measure hydration. We then had to put a number down. Most guys just wrote down fake numbers to avoid it. One day in Salem, we showed up outside, and the trainer asked if we all tested our hydration. We said yes. He asked a second time. We said yes. When we insisted we had a third time, he said, “Well than how come I put 35 pipettes out and only 4 were used…” He caught us! Well played.

Speaking of video games, my created player in NBA2k16 keeps having his named changed by the computer. He was originally LeBurke James (nickname bestowed to me by David Owen), but he has since been renamed Deon Grover and Bert Wilcox. I respond to any of them now.

Quick side story from the homestand: the person in the apartment across from us has 5 bills wedged in their door and an eviction notice. The door was not opened a single time while we were home, so something shady is going on. I feel like the person might be dead. Do I do anything? Or do I just keep my head down and walk by?

Also, the trap house underneath us keeps alerting us that our shower is leaking into their apartment. Not totally sure what they want us to do about it, but I do not want to make these guys angry. Stay tuned.

After the off-day we began our seven-day road trip to Kannapolis, NC and Greenville, SC. Apparently, our lodging is not tied to our wins and losses, and I am thankful for that. We are stinking it up right now, but our two hotels on this trip are awesome!! Luckily, in the first hotel, I had my ear plugs. When I woke up, it honestly sounded like Jose Ortiz was sitting on my bed talking on the phone. I have no idea who he was calling next door, but they need to get their ears checked because he was shouting! I banged on the wall to quiet him down, but he thought it was a game, so he started banging the wall back repeatedly. Needless to say, this only increased my heart rate.

I distinctly remember Ortiz screaming into the phone. He was not angry, but I am 90% sure he was very drunk, and he was Facetiming friends from back home. He was having a great time, but it was two or three in the morning. I still remember angrily banging on the wall only to hear him cackle and start beating the wall back in different rhythms thinking we were playing a game!

Anyways, I mention the ear plugs because I may have the best idea or the worst idea. I have been putting my ear plugs in under my big headphones. BOOM! No need for fancy noise-cancelling headphones when you can innovate yourself! Pretty proud of myself. The overall apparatus is called plugphones. Billion dollar idea.

Plugphones has yet to take off, but I am willingly taking investors. The iPhone. Uber. Plugphones. Be a part of the next big thing.

Also, our heated debate in the rain delay was about rain drops. How many rain drops could we see in a split second. Also, how many rain drops hit the ground at any given second on the field. The dugout did not enjoy my estimations, but I stand by my reasoning. Many guys argued that it was not above a million, but even if you reduce the 10 per cubic foot to 1, it is over 1 million. For your pleasure, here it is:

Field is roughly 320ft to left and 325 to right.

If it is just a 300x300 square then it is 90,000 square ft.

Rain drops fall at 10 m/s, so you have to consider roughly 30 ft highs worth of rain drops.

If there are 10 drops in a square foot, then 90,000 times 30 times 10= 27 Million. BOOM!

This honestly was just case interview preparation. Back of the envelope analysis preparing me for consulting!

Finally, I was very frustrated with Eduardo Gomez. My grey baseball pants for the road have been missing for a few weeks. For this reason, I have had to borrow pants from whichever starting pitcher is sitting in the stands that night. Some nights, I have had pants that cut off the circulation to my legs. Some nights, I have had pants that look like I a hot air ballon. Some nights, I have had pants that are four inches too short. Every night, I have been the butt of many jokes in the stands I am sure. That is probably why that little girl shot the icee at me!!!

Anyways, right before we left this time, I noticed deep in the back of Gomez’s locker there was a pile of pants. Sure enough, my pants were in there with #14 Burke sharpied in them. I was frustrated, but at least I have my pants back!!!

We are in Greenville now, but I will include this stop on the next Banter.

Logged Bus Hours: 59
PB&Js: 37

Greenjackets Record: 10–18
Total Rain Turtle Opportunities: 4
Total Rain Outs: 2
Rain Turtle Success Rate: 50%

Potentially Dead Apartment Neighbors: 1

Sincerely,

Jeff Burke/Bert Wilcox/Deon Grover/LeBurke James